Lately, when I say that I'm living day by day ... I really mean it. Sometimes it feels like hour by hour or minute by minute, cause I have no idea what my body ... or, for that matter, my emotions are going to do or be like.
I really hate this. One minute I have all this energy and feel on top of the world ... and the next, I'm so drained and cry at the drop of a hat ... or snap at someone for something stupidly small. Those who know me, know this is Not me, but what about those that don't. They must think I'm this horrible person that flies of the handle or lazy, cause I need to go somewhere and just sleep.
Yeah ... the perpetual insomniac that curls up and just goes to sleep ... no matter where she is. She could just sleep for a few minutes and be refreshed, or stay that way ... in and out ... for a day or two. Now you know why you will see me ... then I will suddenly disappear for a while.
I will be sooooooo glad when this Crap is over!!!
Need to get off for a while ... cause it seems my body thinks it's naptime or something. Maybe I can write more later. Till then ... Peace ... and don't forget to tell someone you know how you love or care about ... how you feel. Who knows ... maybe it's a bad day for them and they need a reason to smile ...
I really don't know if I want to laugh or cry. Then, at times, I just wish I could hang a punching bag from one of the trees outside. Hell, (I mean) Heck, if they won't let you even have a clothesline (cause you can't afford a dryer) outside, do you really think they are going to allow you to hang a punching bag?
You see, I live in a senior complex with some really nice (and a few not-so-nice) ladies ... and a couple of gentlemen in a very small town in NE Texas ... where the population has shrunk by about 230 people from 2000 to 2010. Mostly because the old people die and the young ones leave, cause there's no place to work (unless you drive an hour away ... if you're lucky enough to have a vehicle) and nothing to do ... except the football games or fishing. Every once in a while, people will come in from other counties or states for the Big Bass Tournaments a the big lake nearby ... and around the county for the Old Settlers Reunion (a week of carnival rides, Gospel Music and Bluegrass Music) at the hottest time of the year. Oh yeah, this is also the County Seat, so ya might wanna call that our "County Fair" ... minus the livestock shows ... they save that for the one in the next county, when they have the big NE Texas Fair ... or go to the one in Dallas (With the giant cowboy that waves and says "HOWDY") ... or go to the Big Balloon Fest in July in Longview ... a couple a counties to the east.
Either way, if you don't have wheels, ya might as well forget it ... your stuck. Which brings me back to my first thought here ... I really need to find something to do to bring some life back into these people ... before they all die off ... or I do ... either from boredom ... or this damn (oops) darn cancer that's eatin' away at me from the inside out.
That's what I need the punching bag for, cause this thing is really pissin' ... errr ... makin' me mad!!! And this Big City West Coast/East Coast/been -around-the-world Girl is about to go nuts .. havin' ta watch my language (we have the "Real Church Ladies" here) and Ima startin' ta talk like 'em and dress like'em and I'll be danged if Ima goin' ta start thinkin' like 'em!
YIKES!!! See what I mean? Maybe what I really need to do is take a trip back to California, or maybe back to the Gulf Coast of Florida. I have good memories in both places. They fed my creative bug ... expanded my artistic talents that seems a bit stifled here.
I don't know what to do right now. I can't really think or dream about anything right now. I don't even know if I will be in any shape to do any traveling after they get done with all their radiation and who knows what else. I already know I'll never be able to sing again, though I was real happy I could at least still talk ... till I found out they had to scrape what they could from my larynx and inside my windpipe, but couldn't get it all without taking all of that out and leaving me with a hole in my neck to breathe with. As it is, the radiation may kill my larynx anyway.
I do know one thing ... I'm not quitting ... no matter how long it takes ... or what BS I have to go through. It's just ... right now ... I'm in Limbo ... with no where to go, nothing to do ... AND NO DAMN PUNCHING BAG TO HIT!!!
Hmmmm ... I wonder if momma will let me put one up by her house at the lake ... hmmmm.
*Putting on thinking cap of where to find old duffle bag, sawdust and chains*
Now ... if I could just get my pc to working again and stop having to borrow op's (other people's) I might actually try to catch everything up. Right now I'm sitting in the waiting room @ ETMC in Tyler, waiting for my mom's heart doctor to come and tell me she is alright and won't have to stay.
In April, she had a mini stroke and now they are going to make sure there aren't any other little clots floating around. A couple of weeks ago, they did a sonogram on the arteries that run from her heart to her brain. They said then that if everything was ok, she wouldn't have to be here today.
So far, they knocked her out for a while so they could do another sonogram of her heart, but instead of doing it from the front, they put the it down her throat to take "pictures" of the back of her heart. The dr. said it looked good except for a little hardening ... which they will explore that one further when they do the Heart Cath ... that's where they make a hole in the groin area (to access the main artery) and shove a tube up until it reaches the heart. If it's something they can fix right then ... they will ... by either doing an Angioplasty (blowing up a little balloon to clear away any blockage. It's better explained here ... http://www.heartsite.com/html/ptca.html/ ... I know what it is and what it does, but not sure how to explain it.
Now, if they can't clear a blockage, or in a bad area, they will put in wire mesh they call a Stent ... explained here ... http://www.radiologyinfo.org/en/info.cfm?pg=angioplasty/ ... and is permanent. If they have to do that, then she will have to spend the night here ... and my mom hates being in the hospital ... even for one night. I don'y blame her ... I don't either.
Ok ... that's enough for now ... no one will probably read this ... but, at least I got it off my chest.
I'm not sure if I spelled Lee's first name right or not. It's the same name that John Wayne was born with ... but we all called him Lee.
Lee was one of my cousins ... one of my Uncle Eddie's sons ... and the second one to die of a sudden heart attack. If I remember correctly ... he was also the baby of the family. The other one to die the same way was Chucky ... the eldest. They both had the same father ... but different mothers.
I have more to say about him ... but I will leave it for now ... when I can write without crying. Then I will tell you about his amazing talents and enormous love.
For now ...
I will miss you very much Lee.
(Later Note: What really makes me mad right now is ... he is in Clearwater, FL ... we are in NE TX and NE OK ... and no one has the money to go. I would drive ... that wouldn't bother me ... but he will have no family to say good bye ... and to me ... that TOTALLY SUCKS!!! I also found out he had no insurance ... so no money to bury him ... and I can't help!!! GRRRRRR)
Sorry ... had to vent a little ... don't think you want me to vent all of it ...
Update ...
I thank you all for the prayers!!!
Lee's co-workers and friends were able to gather enough money to pay for the funeral ... my son Liko was already scheduled to be in P'cola, so he will be able to go down there to represent those of us that were not able to physically make it..
I still needed to vent though ... it helped ... as well as the kind words you have sent this way.
Just go here ...
http://efx2blogs.com/
